she has consumed me

or maybe
i invited her in

i have become her shadow
following her silence
learning her stillness

it began as a search

for peace
for stability
for something that felt like sanity

i thought i was protecting myself

but in the process

i left things behind

people i cherished
places that once felt alive
pieces of myself
that knew how to laugh without rehearsing

the silence grew

it wrapped around me

so thick
that even a pin dropping
now feels violent

a simple conversation
feels like combat

every word calculated
mapped out
drafted in my mind before release

every gesture rehearsed

and if a single nod
is misread
misplaced

my entire day collapses

because somewhere inside
i am convinced

i am never enough

not enough to meet expectations
not enough to exist without explanation

solitude reshaped me

not gently

it twisted
bent
cracked

until i became fragmented

a collage of selves
none fully whole

i no longer know
who i was
who i am
who i will be

fear creeps in
whenever i imagine tomorrow

the endless what ifs

what could have been
what should have been
what i might have destroyed
in the name of self preservation

they haunt my nights

until even joy
loses its texture

until pleasure feels suspicious

i ask myself

is this transformation
a necessary becoming

a chrysalis phase
before something softer emerges

or did i imprison myself

while chasing peace

did i mistake isolation
for healing

sometimes i wonder

if one day
i will look back
and understand

if this drowning
was only temporary

deep down

beneath the fear
beneath the rehearsed version of me

i still yearn

for real peace

not silence

not absence

but peace

so now

solitude and i
are intertwined

like roots growing in the dark

but i hold onto one fragile hope

that one day

i will not need her

and we will part

gently

without fear