i have been trying

i truly have

i searched for guidance

read the books
underlined the pages
highlighted the promises

i built better routines
woke up earlier
slept differently

talked to more people
forced myself into rooms
introduced myself
smiled wider

i changed my hair

my clothes

my weight

my voice

my demeanor

my posture

my tone

my everything

and still

i always end up here

in the same state of mind

wondering

yearning

wanting

guessing

overthinking

rewriting

retracing every step

second guessing

the words i said
the pauses i held
the way i looked
the way i breathed

replaying every interaction

as if somewhere inside it
there is a mistake i can correct

will i ever be at ease

will i ever breathe
without this pressure

or have i simply become

broken

is this who i am meant to be

a shattered person
assembled from pieces of others

a remnant
of who i used to be
and who they expected me to become

who am i at this point

how do i ease this weight

the one that sits heavy
right above my stomach

pressing down

sending quiet shivers
through my body

like my nervous system
never learned how to rest

when will i catch a break

when