some days

i wake up as someone new

my reflection feels unfamiliar

like a character i have to relearn

i do not have a stable outline

i am sketch and eraser

at the same time

my emotions arrive

without knocking

too loud

too sharp

too bright

joy feels electric

love feels consuming

sadness feels fatal

there is no middle ground

if you move closer

i cling

if you pull away

i fall

a delayed text

can undo an entire afternoon

a shift in tone

can convince me

i am about to be abandoned

i build people into lifelines

and panic when they breathe elsewhere

my mind splits

you are perfect

until you are distant

i am adored

until i am certain i am too much

i live in extremes

and then

there is the other current

the noise

a thousand thoughts at once

unfinished tabs in my brain

flashing

start this

no, that

no, remember this

do not forget that

i forget anyway

i hyperfocus

until hours dissolve

until my body aches

and then

i cannot begin the smallest task

laundry feels like climbing

a mountain

replying to a message

feels like drafting a thesis

i rehearse conversations

before they happen

i replay them

after they end

i mask

i study people

copy tone

copy posture

copy laughter

so i do not feel

like an alien

wearing human skin

routine comforts me

until it suffocates me

silence calms me

until it isolates me

i crave intimacy

but fear exposure

i want stability

but sabotage it

i want to be held

without being too heavy

i want to be understood

without having to explain

why my nervous system

is always alert

i am exhausted

from feeling too much

and not enough

from caring too deeply

and forgetting too easily

from building my identity

around whoever stays

and unraveling

when they leave

some days

i wonder

is this intensity

a curse

or simply

a heart

that has not yet learned

how to regulate its storms

i am not broken

but i am

a system

that runs

too hot

too fast

too open

and i am still learning

how to live inside it