Author: R.V. Saudade

She has consumed me
I have become her shadow
It began with a search for peace
For my well-being
For my sanity
So many things were
Left behind in the process:
People I cherished,
Places I loved,
And activities I once enjoyed.
The silence became my closest companion,
So profound that a pin drop now startles me.
A simple interaction feels like a battle,
Every word mapped out,
Planned,
Sketched,
Performed.
And if a single nod is misaligned,
It shatters my day
Because I am never good enough—
Good enough to meet their expectations.
Solitude has reshaped me,
Twisted,
Bent,
Broken.
I became a fragmented being,
A myriad of selves.
I’ve lost sight of who I
Was,
Am,
Will be.
Fear grips me when I think of what’s to come—
The endless
What ifs,
What might have been,
What could have been,
Haunt my nights
Until even the simplest pleasures
Lose their meaning and purpose.
I wonder, though,
Is this just a stepping stone,
A path to who I’m meant to be,
Or did I condemn myself
In the pursuit of peace?
I wonder if one day I’ll look back and find solace,
With the way I’m drowning in my current existence.
Deep down,
Deep within,
I yearn for that peace.
So at last,
Solitude and I are intertwined,
But I hope one day,
We will part ways.

I just hope that

At some point in your life

You close your eyes

And the first thing that crosses your mind

Its me

My face

My voice

My laugh

And then

Just then

And sigh will scape from your lips

As the mistery of holding my hand

And kissing my lips

While holding onto my hips

Will wander in your head

And never leave

The same way it wandered mine

For a long time

She was ready to forget him at last
She knew it was time to do it
All those joys
those torments
those laughs
those silly tears
his jokes
his love
his indifference
the hints of him,
those many wounds
every time he expected it
the songs
the drawings
the letters
the hugs
misunderstood ‘signs’
and everything that shaped
shaped that story of fantasies
fantasies she lived and those
she created in her mind
It was time to let it go
As much as it hurt
it was necessary
now she was more than sure
that it was never going to be
and was never destined to be
Tears ran down her cheeks
because when you let go
of something you took care of so much
you realize that it never belonged to you
that it was only in your mind
that it was everyone’s but never yours
She thought she wasn’t ready for that yet
but maybe you’re never ready
ready to let so much love go away
away with the wind
so someone else can take it
She kept crying
Her soul was drowning in tears
that would cease
at least within a few hours
in which she would begin to reflect
and she would realize
realize that all that was left
was that great affection she had for him.

You and I know how things happened.

How it all happened.

You knew I was staring at you.

You knew I liked talking to you.

You knew if I had a pencil.

And you needed it.

I’d give it to you.

Although at the end of the day I needed it.

You knew it hurt to hear you talk about someone else.

But you still did it.

You knew about my complexes.

My doubts.

My weaknesses.

You knew that if I didn’t see you.

My eyes would always look for you.

And until they did not met yours.

The worry wouldn’t leave me alone

You knew that just seeing you made me happy.

Seeing your curls rest on your shoulders.

Your smiling face

Which I didn’t see so frequently.

Because you insisted on hiding your braces.

To talk with you in the halls.

Hearing your voice say my name.

With that playful tone of yours that made me so happy.

You knew that when our eyes met.

My heart skipped a beat that made my breathing stop.

You knew that I recognized the sound of your voice anywhere.

You knew that whenever you called me I would look for you immediately.

You knew I would go to you because I wanted to see you.

You knew I texted you.

That I wrote about you.

And that I talked to you.

Because I wanted to know you better.

To understand you.

You knew I was worried.

Every time your eyes clouded.

For some murky thought that would cross your mind.

You knew that if you didn’t greet me.

I would feel empty.

You knew that if you didn’t talk to me.

I would miss you.

You knew if you walked away.

Something in me would break.

You knew that with just being you.

It was enough for me.

You knew it perfectly.

But nevertheless.

Although you knew.

That you knew what I felt.

You knew if you rejected me.

Something in me would die.

And yes…

That’s how it went…

In the end…

I don’t know if you really knew who I was …

Or who I am …

Maybe…

Who always knew …

It was me…

But in the end…

I knew I loved you …

And I know that…

Maybe

Just maybe

I still do…

I’m trapped.
In a world .
World unknown to me.
What true, the uncertain.
The light, the darkness.
The good, the bad.
Happiness, sadness.
When you trust, they hurt you.
When you don’t trust, you hurt yourself.
I wrap myself in a vicious circle
From which I can not escape.
The routine consumes me.
Loneliness, my best company.
I live wanting to be like others
Forgetting to be myself.
I love someone giving all
In the end I’m left with nothing.
Suffering and depression.
Things that are normal.
Hurt, what does it matter now?
Love, what the fuck?
Live? For what?
The family…
I don’t know what to do…
Home?…
I don’t know what that is called home …
Pain and repentance runs in my veins.
I immerse myself in the memories
Penalties and care
Weary tears
I was born, I loved, I hated …
What else is left?
a world.
An unknown world.
In which I lived.
Memories come and go.
I don’t know where I am.
Or why I’m here.
The only thing I know…
ever…
I saw you leaving.

I remember how once I told you that I would no longer write about people
people that in some way or another
ended up hurting me
hurting me to the point of making me cry
cry with pain and grief
Regrettably
those people become important
I see them all the time
I talk to them
and slowly they are part of my routine
of my day to day
I get used to seeing them
to the sound of their voices
their sense of humor
their laugh
even their habits are coupled to be like them
I felt so good around them
so calm
so happy
so alive
when I was with with them
after a while
I realized how important they are
I tell them
they say that they are the same
forge a close friendship
that you feel that if they are not there
you would break
you would feel lonely
they become irreplaceable
it happened to me like that recently
I did not think so much about that person
and unfortunately
things did not worked out
and honestly, I fucked up everything
I know
but now that he left
I feel alone
abandoned
sad
with terrible desire to scream
the worst of all
he is not affected
he look the same
without any sign of you need
that hurts even more
I made him part of my day to day
one more column of my life
column that keeps everything standing
firm
stable
at the end of the day I saw
what is given is returned
what you receive, you give back
you were attentive
and I instead of returning it
I just became selfish
I wanted more
More
and more
I’m so sorry
things will not be the same
I’m aware of it
I just hope that in the future
someday
when you look back
you see me
and know that it was not my intention
and I, in that moment
I will be different.
another person

When she met him

She was broken

Alone

In despair

He smiled

He hugged

He cared

She trusted him

His words

His promises

She believed him

Every single thing he said

Was true

It was her bible

His smile

Was a miracle

His kisses

Her oxygen

He disguised himself

As a prince for her

She was a damsel in distress

What she didn’t notice

What she didn’t see

Was the string

Tied around his ears

Showing to the world

It was a mask

By the time she saw

It was late

She was broken

And him

He was wearing a brand new mask

And had a newly broken heart

Added to his collection.

When I saw you

I fell in love

But you did not

I tried to change for you

So you could love me

I changed my attitude

I changed my hair

I changed my clothes

I changed my manners

I changed my routine

I changed my favorite things

My words and thoughts

I changed myself

For you

When I approached you

With my new self

You were surprised

You didn’t recognize me

Then I realized

I changed

But you

Unconsciously

You loved my old self

But it was too late

To change myself again

Be Honest

Be Understanding

Be Loyal

Be Truthful

Be Open-Minded

Be Thoughtful

Be Considerate

Be Reliable

Be Mature

Be Kind

Be Friendly

Be Happy

Be Unselfish

Be Cheerful

Be Broad-Minded

Be Tactful

Be Appreciative

Be Respectful

Be Grateful

Be Observant

Be Lively

Be Creative

But most important

Be yourself

Today is one of those nights when everything loses its meaning.
One of those in which I look at the ceiling trying to find reasons or justifications.
One of those in which the heart simply beats, but time stops.
One of those in which I only cry in silence keeping my words as my eyes close…